This must be how porn stars feel every day.
The search for new freelance opportunities is often—much like my day job—frustrating, difficult and disheartening. For example, ads seeking freelancers on Craigslist are generally hit-or-miss. While there are many well-paying, legitimate opportunities available, Craigslist has always been geared more toward the odd and unrealistic as opposed to the reasonable and profitable. E.g., finding a complete stranger to give you a handy in exchange for Slim Jims and finding a legitimate opportunity with reasonable rates and realistic expectations both have about the same probability for success. Occasionally, you come across a hybrid of the two.
Since, even for skilled writing professionals such as myself, segueing from a handjob/Slim Jim joke to anything else is nigh impossible—I'll simply go back on point.
During one of my recent reviews of freelance ads on Craigslist, I came upon a call for humor writers. Interested applicants were instructed to send an email attaching writing samples and a resume. As with any job search, I wanted to ensure that my inquiry stood out among the almost certain deluge of applications. I mulled over the dilemma of how to convince a complete stranger that I was funny—via email no less—and ultimately decided to draft a tongue-in-cheek cover letter to accompany my wicked-funny writing samples and patently unfunny resume. For what it's worth, the possibility that the tone of my email could be misunderstood did cross my mind. My solution to this problem? Go so far left of ridiculous that there could be no mistaking my intentions.
My inquiry read as follows:
<funny>
Dear **********:</funny>
This is in response to the call for humor writers per your ad on Craigslist. I am in the process of relocating from Chicago to Kansas City (simply because I tire of the abundant opportunities available to me in Chi-town) and seek career-minded work that will allow me to effectively use my writing skills and talents so that when I say, "I'm a writer" I technically won't be lying.
Attached are a few writing samples which you will no doubt hail as borderline genius. On the off chance that you disagree with this self-assessment of my writing quality, I'll happily settle for being under appreciated in my own time. As info, my current rate for said under appreciation is $500.00 an hour.
Should you balk at the fact that all of the attached writing samples are video game-related keep two things in mind:
(1) statistically, dorks are funnier than your average mouth breathing literati; and
(2) I'll never be too distracted by my love life to finish an article on a deadline.
Regarding my "professional" experience, in my current position at the law firm of ********** I begrudgingly assist one partner, an associate and a prehistoric ogre with the proofreading and editing of legal briefs and contracts while simultaneously combating the constant, soul-sucking dark forces inherent with working in close proximity to attorneys.
In addition to the daily avalanche of banal office tasks, I designed and serve as editor of the firm newsletter, a marketing publication distributed electronically to the firm's entire client base. As our firm specializes in railroad law, I initially suggested naming our newsletter The Signal, both for its significance as a railroad term and as a loose metaphor for its intended purpose (i.e. sending a signal out to our clients--sure it's lame, but I'm only human). Three meetings and seven partner caucuses later, I was informed that the newsletter would be entitled ********** Highlights. Since then, the firm has published eight successful issues although (sadly) I have yet to sneak in a Goofus & Gallant comic strip.
Regardless, client and partner alike continue to heap praise upon this publication, which naturally more than compensates for the fact that the extra responsibility of this project comes with an empty title and no salary increase. Additionally, I successfully redesigned and updated the firm brochure, condensing an archaic 15-page diatribe of legal jargon into a tri-fold pamphlet featuring imposing walls of tightly packed text and Microsoft Clip Art from the "Legal" category.
If you have any further questions, or feel that my skills match this opportunity—you're my new best friend.
I look forward to hearing from you—unless of course you're not interested—in which case I will politely thank you for the opportunity and then curse you for your insolence. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Anthony
I'll admit, I'm proud of what I sent. You can just imagine the joy in my heart when I received a response just 21 minutes later:
<douchebaggery>
from: ********** <******@*****.com></douchebaggery>
to: "Anthony *****************" <*******@*****.com>
date: Thu, Jun 11, 2009 at 2:25 PM
subject: RE: Humor Writers Needed
$500 an hour? Now that’s funny.
Ouch. At least my inquiry was subject to an intensely close reading and the decision to reject me was carefully weighed by a consummate professional who in no way lacks the most basic reading comprehension skills. I mean, my wife thought my email was funny—and she has sex with me—so any assumption of bias is clearly unwarranted.
I won't claim that this should go down in the annals of comic history, nor will I claim it was exceptional on any level. I will posit that it merited, at the very least, a form rejection akin to, "Although your qualifications and skills are impressive, we've found a more suitable candidate who sucks less." I would also have accepted, "Fuck off, unfunny loser!" At least that could be construed as constructive criticism.
Oh well, the writing life requires persistence, determination and a thick skin. Snap into a Slim Jim.
Photo Credit.
As the aforementioned wife in this scenario, I have comments:
ReplyDelete1. I think you're funny. Sometimes even when you're not trying to be.
2. That guy was an idiot.
3. I thought I told you to knock off the Craiglist handies.
4. Aren't they discontinuing production of Slim Jims?